#MakeBadComics

Yesterday Tony Lee started a hashtag (this is a way to group tweets by different people together) called #makebadcomics, essentially some idiotic advice that will only help you make bad comics. I joined in, and this is the result:

(BTW: for more like it, you can also read the post http://www.pauljholden.com/blog/2009/07/17/pro-creator-tips/ )

• If a writers written a dull scene, why not pep it up a bit with an explosion or some dinosaurs – they’ll thank you for it!
• Remember: Deadlines are just a suggestion – no-one really cares if the comics monthly
• Keep it interesting for the editor, just write comics to whatever length the story demands. 22pgs; 11pgs; 2,304pgs s’all good
• Writers! Make sure to tell your artist their work is below par – keep them on their toes. Remember: it’s you vs them
• Writers: Why not steal your artists idea then deny any knowledge – whatever it takes. WHATEVER IT TAKES. (eh @tonylee eh??? )
• Editor doesn’t like your idea? Why not tell them that when you start running their company you’ll fire their ass.
• Writers! You’re paid by the page – NOT BY THE WORD. You’ve written 22 pages? STOP NOW.
• Artists! Don’t bother trying to improve. It’s waste of time. #getridofthecompetition
• Creators – why not air your dirty linen about an editor online. That ALWAYS helps #badcareerchoices
• Artists! If that foreground figure is really good then what the hell do you want to distract it with background for?
• ARTISTS! Editors LOVE it when you tell them at a con how crap all their current artists are (extra points if you smell bad)
• ARTISTS: When a writer writes ‘FIFTEEN PAGE FIGHT SCENE’ Draw each page as a splash – with figures only.
• If an editor looks a bit worried and says ‘yeah – ok, email me’ – camp outside his house. You’ll probably find it on google.
• Artists: Can’t get to a life drawing class! No worry @ing3nu says you should use penthouse! (but I would make boobs bigger)
• Artists: Too scared of real people to buy penthouse? Plenty of porn on the internet!
• Artists: Don’t bother observing real life – you’re drawing comics! Look at OTHER COMICS! EASY!
• If you’re drawing someone who says ‘Begorrah’ make sure to draw him ginger wearing green clothes – the irish eat that shit up
• When drawing a cover, make sure to have a BIG BOX for your signature-can’t go too big with this-don’t want people to miss it
• Artists: Writers aren’t really a requirement for comics. Do everything to make them know that.
• Writers: Everyone LOVES a good superhero analogue – why not just take that rejected superman script and make it stupendoman?
• Makes sure you email me friends when they get gig and wish them luck,sticking pins into a voodoo doll of them
• When talking to an editor make sure to belittle everyone else you know in subtle ways “He’s great BUT SLOOOOW” is good
• or “That guy is AWSOME! I hope he can get off the crack”
• If an creator accidentally bcc you into an email with an editor, make sure to not the email later as leverage.
• Making comics is ALL about leverage
• If you give an editor a handout of art and it’s water stained make light of it “yeah, that’s just a bit of jizz” will do.
• Artists – you can make money at cons by selling art – make sure writers know this, remember it’s us vs them
• Second meet? apply some bandages to your wrists and tell them that ‘yeah-actually feeling a bit low’ before showing your work
• Editors move in and out of roles every 5 years, remember that when you re-pitch rejected work!
• Bring a hot girl with you when showing your work – that way it won’t matter if your portfolio is duff
• (Hot girl trick also works when selling your comics )
• Artists it’s really cool when you have to turn a page side ways to read it!
• Tracing is for saps! Photoshop has filters that’ll do that shit quicker
• When an editor says no they don’t really mean it.
• Give your character a cybernetic arm and a vague history, readers love that shit #make90scomics
• (Also: a surly attitude)
• Writers: artists are stupid – don’t be surprised when you write ‘surly’ they think you mean ‘sultry’
• When drawing woman, make sure to get at least one clean shot of her hoo-ha per page
• Remember: Stories are a bunch of stuff that just happens.
• Write what you know! 40 year comic nerd tweeting for attention? Call him “The Tweeter!”
• (or, better yet “The Darke Tweeter”) #thisismylifenow
• Before you write, think: How can I sell this as a movie?
• Product Placement: It’s not just for irritating movie goers
• Comic book science research: it’s why nerds invented wikipedia
• Deadlines are like stopped watches, they’ll come around again
• An editor is MORE impressed by your follower count on twitter than any work you might do. Remember that when you #makebadcomics
• Editors and publishers are parasites on you and your work – make sure they know that.
• Delete
• Remember to escalate all emails if you don’t hear back from an editor. Go from polite to rage as quick as poss
• Make sure you make your character edgy and dark by having them say things like “$#1%” and “*&@)!” #makecomics
• Fill your portfolio with really great work by anyone. Doesn’t matter as long as it gets you that first gig.
• At a con bar,stand beside an editor long enough for them to get visibly uncomfortable then PITCH!They wont be able to resist!
• Prep an editor by dressing up and telling about this awesome artist they should hire – then turn up the next day AS YOURSELF
• You realise some of these #makebadcomics should be #makebadcareerchoices right? RIGHT?
• When talking to an editor make sure to disparage their nearest competitor as filthy parasitic scum.
• when showing portfolios and an editor isn’t available. Throw a tantrum, that way you already look like a pro
• Wear a superman t-shirt with ‘Marvel sucks’ written in marker, Marvel editors will love that bad boy attitude.
• Eat while pitching. Don’t offer any of your food.
• When drawing comics, if you draw your own word balloons you can get away with drawing less comics!
• Letterers: If the artists hasn’t given you enough room (asshole) why not put lettering on top of heads. That’ll teach him #
• When drawing woman, just imagine a skinny chick with two beachballs. The TWIST!
• Artists draw people you don’t like into your comics as putrid badguys. That’ll teach them
• When an editor rejects him, make sure they know you didn’t really want to work for them anyway, the git.
• Up shots are for when you want to make someone look imposing. Or you just want to see some fanny
• (UK people : I sooo apologise for that last tweet, Americans: That’s not rude, no apologies for you)
• Editors, like writers are only there to service the artist. I mean proper FULL service. Just remember that.
• Double page spreads are for pussies: Triptychs where it’s at beyotches!
• Artists: when working for americans scripts where it says BUM they mean FANNY and where it says CAMEL TOE they mean TRAMP
• Comic cons are great for hitting on people with low self esteem
• Artists are a cowardly, superstitious lot and they’ll work a lot faster if you hang around their house dressed as a bat.
• You don’t have to make friends with a famous creator to name drop them – just be vague about how they know you.
• A portfolio filled with slash fict of superman and wolverine is a superb portfolio for both marvel AND DC
• Number of panels / No of Female characters ^ pi = correct amount of camel toe per comic @4colorfix
• Foursquare is a GREAT way to stalk those editors that have given you persistent trouble
• Remember in the pitch to emphasis how you hold the copyright to the work at every opportunity.
• Put your art on facebook and then Tag with as many comic pros as you could find – they’ll thank you for it!
• If your female character could be replaced by a man, then she’s too strong. Water that woman down and throw her in a thong
• Preface all pitches with the words “SUREFIRE HIT” before going into details
• Got your first paid gig? RELAX, it only gets easier!
• If you can distill your pitch into one sentence then it’s too simple – add some clones or something.
• Include an editors likeness into some of your art – that’ll show commitment!
• Try and think of comics as a poor mans film
• Remember there are only two types of woman: Big boobed and sexy and fat and ugly. #makepoorcomics
• Remember: most of your audience are white, balding, fat men- make sure to use stereotypes.
• Publishers of a manga that’s based on a book & movie – who the fuck cares if it’s lettered properly?
• Remember: comics are for kids – so no proper swearing. Even though the average age is 30 something.
• Artists: If you draw a girls boobs big enough, no one will bother looking to see how her feet look
• Colourists: Photoshop has this awesome thing that does, like, Light – it makes everything look cool.
• Photoshop hint: Airbrushing is quick and EASY in photoshop.
• Don’t bother inking, you can get EXACTLY THE SAME effect by upping the contrast in Photoshop.
• Have your character constantly angry that way you never have to draw a hand in any shape other than a fist.
• Buy a big book of quotes and include a random one in a chapter head. People will think it’s all ‘literary’ n’ shit.
• 3d Comics are cool hip and cheap in comics – just draw everything bursting out of a panel.
• Perspective isn’t JUST a place in Texas. It’s also something you should AVOID (actually, like that place in Texas)
• Rape is a quick way to make your book edgy and no-one is ever offended by it (except feminists. Am I right? AM I RIGHT?)
• Writers: don’t trust the artist – make sure the what’s happening is spelt out in the captions and dialogue
• Publishers: wait until a slow news week before you temporarily kill off that high profile character!
• Instead of working, spend a shitload of time on twitter advising people of the best way to
• Remember: if your protagonist is a black guy – make him bald. (Yeah! Like he’ll be the protagonist!)
• Make sure to tell people in the real world that you ‘draw comics’. They’ll think you’re really cool.
• Introduce a character with a haunted vagina.
• Speech balloons aren’t like the ghostbusters machine – NOTHING BAD HAPPENS IF YOU CROSS THE STREAM
• (and by stream I mean tale – in case I wasn’t clear)
• You don’t need to know how to draw boobs to draw woman. You need to know how to draw MELONS.